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As the flame flickered and then went out 100wc

May 24th, 2016 by and tagged ,

ACARPPIE

I wondered along the cliff face searching for a place to take cover for the night. Suddenly, I found an abandoned cave, which had a rich deposit of candles sat there in the corner of my eye. Determined and tired, I made a flame, but as the flame flickered and then went out, the whole cave began to shake. After the mysterious shake, I cautiously walked out of the cave, only to find the whole city in ruins. Sobbing hopelessly, I murmured,” Is my family okay? Have they survived?” I searched for hours but no one could be seen.

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Posted in 100wc, Uncategorised | 6 Comments »



6 Responses to “As the flame flickered and then went out 100wc”

  1.   07ray Says:

    Dear Mia, I LOVE your AMAZING story, it really engaged me and it dragged me in and, I really wanted to read on. I also liked the opener:’Sobbing hopelessly.’ Did you know it is a fronted adverbial opener and an ING opener, well done! Maybe next time try and add a de:de sentence like this: I wondered along the cliff face: searching for a place to take cover for the night.
    Well done Mia, good luck on your next 100wc.
    From, Ray 6D.

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  2.   07paige Says:

    Dear Mia, Your work is AMAZING you have amazing openers like ‘I wondered along the cliff face’. You have also engaged me in with others openers well done Mia! Maybe next time you can try and fit a hypen in or a DE:DE sentence.
    well done Mia
    from, Paige 6D

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  3.   Declan Says:

    Dear Mia,
    What an amazing 100wc, you have really engaged the reader (well, you engaged me anyway!)
    I love the use of a rhetorical question that you have used, also, I like the phrase you have used: a rich deposit of candles, I can then infer that she has found a lot of candles.
    Here, I have edited your sentence, do you think it’s better or not?
    Original sentence: Suddenly, I found an abandoned cave, which had a rich deposit of candles sat there in the corner of my eye.
    Edited sentence: Instantaneously, I found an abandoned cave – which has a rich deposit of candles sat there in the corner of my eye.
    I think it’s better because I have used dashes to make sure that I’m hitting the ‘working AT’ targets.
    Overall, your work is AMAZING. Keep it up!
    From Declan.

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  4.   Noah Says:

    That was a amazing story! You used the prompt very well. Keep writing!

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  5.   Najat Says:

    Great job Mia.
    I loved your story.
    Keep up the good work.

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  6.   Zabaleta Says:

    Dear Mia,
    Well done! You are such a good writer, WOW.

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